so tell me, is this the end?

Monday, January 3, 2011

sch's tmr, idw 2011 to start juz yet,

im not even prepared to leave 2010 behind .

its lyk as if, 2010 hasnt rilly started n thn 2011 is here

time is passing by too quickly,

i wanna rewind, slow down , repeat time.

so many things to say,

so many opportunities missed,

so many ppl walked in n out of my life but most arent here to stay

i came to a conclusion th other day,

everyone is selfish

whether they noe it or not.

its a dog eat dog world out thr

but since ur a dog

might as well sacrifice urself n let ppl eat u

so u will spare th earth from another dog rite?

aiya i noe i dun make sense to everybody lahs

no one gets it

no one gets wat im thinking

call me weird

call me strange

call me psycho

trust me,

most of u r simply too busy to try n understand,

some of u r simply too dense to understand,

those hu understand?

busy with their own lives, walked out of my life

or simply thr r none.

i hav things to say so say them i shall:

(in no order of anything)

fwen number 1: uve been my bestie since th start of 2010, sumtimes, i dun understand u at all. sometimes ur so nice to me, caring, kind, funny, owaes thr to listen to my problems. i thank u for tht. however, thr r times whr i simply feel tht i cannot understand u at all. u see another fwen, u str8 away start toking to her even tho im right beside her, i think to myself, ur excited to see her becuz u hav things to tell her, yes i try n understand. but, whyye isit tht even when i say hiie to u, u simply ignore me n start toking to her? m i invisible? until much ltr even tho i was walking beside u all th time, thn u realised im thr n says hiie. wats up with tht? i call u in th day, in th night, becuz i hav urgent things to tok abt to u. u simply dun pick up. fine, u dun hav caller id, i understand. but seriously, isit tht hard to simply send me a text n ask if i was th one hu called u? no right? surely, its easy to guess hu called u. but i guess, its not a matter of difficulty but a matter of whether u care enuff to actually come n find me. at times, i call, ur parents say ur bathing. thr was once i called n they said u were bathing, 1.5hrs ltr, they gave th same excuse. dun tell me u bathe for over 1.5hrs n after tht u cant even send me a text. if u didnt want to pick up my call, i'd rather u tell me ur busy or sumthing rather thn giving me lame excuses all th time. sumtimes, i rilly wonder, isit possible tht everytime i call u u nvr pick up but yet u can answer other ppl's calls n even call them juz to chat with them. im not saying u nvr called me to tok to me but. one time, i texted u, asking if u wanna go shopping with me, u didnt even bother to reply until u saw me in sch th next day, ur excuse? "i was at a fwen's hse ytd n didnt wanted to leave" wtf is tht kind of excuse? i nvr even told u when i wanted to go or whr. u think im so selfish as to ask u to leave wateva ur doing n come str8 to whr i am? no im not. u cud hav simply replied saying ur busy tht day n when i wanted to go rite? but u didnt.

fwen number 2:

i noe uve been thru alot in 2010, i can tell tht uve changed from a happy personality to a frustrated n emo one. i want to let u noe, tht even if i might not understand wat it is tht ur going thru, i will try n understand if u let me. if u hav problems, i want u to noe tht u can come to me anytime. lyk i said, even if i dun understand, i can pei u worry abt it tgt or sth n help u make things not seem so horrible okayy? i might not hav been a good fwen in th past, but i rilly treasure this fwenship we hav n i want to be thr for u when u nid me. i may not share as many things with u as i do with other ppl but thts becuz im afraid tht u wudnt understand n be burdened with my problems instead. i hope u do understand.

fwen number 3:

we've had so much fun times tgt, shopping, gaming etcetc. but sumhow i feel tht we arent rilly tht close, i hope tht in 2011 we can share our thots n problems with one another n be even closer thn before. i dun want us to become one of those on n off kind of fwens okayy?

fwen number 4:

uve been such a good fwen to me this past yr. bet ur ears must hav alr rotted away listening to me rant n rant n rant nonstop all th time. dun worry i'll get u a pair of bunny ears but u will hav to continue being my listening ear. sometimes ur advices r hurting but most of th time, they set me thinking n prove a point. i may giv u stupid advices in return but most of them arent jokes, they're real.

ive so much more to say but if i dun get started on my hmk right this moment as im typing, im rilly gonna be dead tmr-.- goodness gracious. fcuk u sch-'-

i dreamt about you and me at 6:10:00 PM.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

if ur eyes werent open, u wudnt noe th difference betwwen dreaming n waking;

whee ! went to far east on sunday 17th oct with liya n shermaine ^-^

we walked lyk th entire far east plaza 2times :O

uber uber fun !

bought alot alot things but all th prices quite okayy derh so nvm ^^v

haven take pics of th stuff yet :x

will post th pics next time :D

thn thursday went back thr again n bought summore things

idw be a spendthrift D:

again, no pics yet x.x

im lazy luhs :P

butbutbut

zilians with liya n sher is on sher's fb !

hehe :3

toilets r awesome places to zilian :B

ohh thn i think on dunnoe which day i went to jade palace again

with meimei, gugu, grandpa

but this time round we nvr zilian D:

butbutbut got good news :3

5x pics ><"!

haven finish editing yet so onli some r posted on fb

-sad face-

butbutbut im going to post th edited ones here too :D

soo...

OHH !

i cant believe i got promoted !

wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh -happy till cry-

okok dun tok abt sch stuff lerhs so sian die me

soo..

here r th pics:

my fav pic ! >

this pic th color chio rite?! hehe :x lovelovelove my ties; sher sure agree too ^^

my new outfit :D heartheartheartzxc collar shirt !

can u see jaejoong? -hyperventilate- psst: he watches me slp every nite. be jealous ;P

i lyk this color ^^v

black & white `!

grr !

staircase ! :3

thr! thts all for now

this sunday,

aka tmr,

sher, liya, mama, xingjie & i going kovan !

we going play pool thr ^^

idk wat i shud wear D:

nvm i'll decide tonite :P

wheee `!

kayy luhs i go read book lerhs

bought vampire academy th 5th book: blood promise

cant wait to finish it :D

ohh n im broke from shopping ):

any kind souls care to sponsor me ? :3

buhhbye `!

`xBel-

i dreamt about you and me at 3:46:00 AM.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

heyyos,
its currently in th middle of exams now ):
lets see ..

eng pp1:
- idk how to write proposal so therefore format wrong
- wrote argumentative for compo soso i think

eng pp2:
- compre was okayy but th passage was rather hard to underrstand
- summary was gg D: i cant seem to paraphrase at all :/ liya agrees

bio pp2:
- when i answer th qns, i seem to onli write th surface stuff while all th onli stuff arent writen, but thts wat th qns asks for, no? i scared wrong siax. but yet if i write th others info it seems irrelevant :/ overall its diedie cuz i no time finish thn my graph qns blank x.x

chinese pp1:
- gong han was okayy
- compo i wrote bao zhang bao dao which was okayy oso

chinese pp2:
- cloze passage was wtf dun understand anything at all
- mcq compre was okayy
- open ended compre was gg, understand passage but dunnoe how answer qns

ss:
- ss was generally okayy but no time to finish seq last pat

amaths pp1:
- most dreaded paper cuz i didnt hav time to study for it
- i left everything blank, in a way
- th first few qns still got attempt but it was lyk so fuckin hard cuz i didnt revise
- so basically im prepared to score zero for it

thts all th papers currently, 7 done, 7 more to go .

for those ppl hu think tht im lyk so wateva cuz i nvr revise or study amaths n hence i left th paper blank, this is my fuckin reason:
before i went for my operation in june, my midyrs alr cmi. not becuz i nvr study but simply becuz i dun get it. tho i will admit i did not spend as much time on it as i shud.
during june, i went for my scoliosis operation which kept me unable to do anything for 2 whole months until ard sept.
but by thn i was alr focusing on th subjects which i hav more confidence in.
whyye risk failing everything juz to study for sth which i wun pass at th end of th day (amaths) instead of studying th rest n pass a few while fail a few rite?
so thts whyye i didnt noe how to do a single fuckin qns, call me dumb, wateva. if u think im finding excuses, maybe u shudnt be on earth, juz go to hell. u wun noe how painful it is to go for an operation i tell u. unless ur one of th ppl hu witness me screaming in pain n pumping morphine into my system lyk thr's no tmr.
u wun noe how many times i wake up in th middle of th nite with tears of pain streaming down my face n hoping this is all a bad dream.
no im not pitying myself, this will juz make me stronger.

henceforth i do not appreciate anyone - u noe hu u r - accusing me or giving tht horrified look. u might be joking, u might not be. unless ur me, u wun realise how much it hurts to hav sum1 says these kind of things to ur face. "i dun hav fwens hu dun even try to do their exam paper", "wth is wrong with u?! how cud u leave th paper blank?" or stuffs to tht effect. its hurting becuz u didnt bother to look at things from my perspective, u didnt try to feel how its lyk to be in my shoes, u didnt think wat those words wud feel lyk to me. u didnt realise tht i oso want to be able to do every single qns on th paper, tht i wudnt want to feel helpless n hopeless, flundering in a mist of idks . u didnt bother . dear fwen: dun let me lose hope in u .

to another person: didnt u say tht u wish we will remain close n not drift away becuz u noe ur going to do tht n tht was a warning to me or did u rilly mean it? i accpet tht we hav our own lives to live but whyye isit happening? is our fwenship so fickle? i hope not. dear fwen: dun let me lose hope in u .

hope

isit tht easily lost?

isit sth tht we mere humans believe in but never exist?

will it not let us down?

okayy, enuff with th emo posts.

i cant wait for exams to be over !

but before its over, i hav to endure th stressful period of this weekend,

cramming for chem n maths :/

totally not looking forward to it ._.

but after tht thn im freeeeeeee ~ !

ohhyeah ~ hehe :x

looking forward to going to fareast with liya n shermaine !

wahahaha gurls' day out !

must zilian lotlots !

hehehe ^-^

plan to shop alooooot :D

aniwaes, before i get addicted to th worldwideweb,

i gotta go back to my boring geog tb n papers ):

shall finish geography of food n th earth's natural vegetation today

can stay up late to study cuz tmr exam at 11am

wahaha can slp in :3

thn tmr will study coastal system n processes

not studying river system n processes cuz i think harder ._.

aniwaes nid 3 onli cuz viv says structured is either river or coasts with veggie thn seq is gm food ._.

also tmr nid to revise how to write th ans n read thru papers ._.

hope i can finish everything in time x.x

grandpa getting dinner soon i hope

im hungry ! :D

okayy shall go surf th net awhile more until ard 630pm thn i start studying.

4hrs each for veggie n gm food so by thn will be ard 230am

thn including dinner n pompom, will be 430am

thn some slack time, 530am

thn orhorh until 945am

so i'll get ard 4hrs of slp ._.

if i study at a faster pace thn can slp more so..

JYJYS TO ME STUDYING AS FAST AS A ROBOT !

buhhbyes lerhs T.T

下次再见！

xXiiaoBel- 会很想你的！

;lublubzxc

i dreamt about you and me at 6:06:00 PM.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

heyheys :D

been omost 5months since i last posted siax ._.

currently cramming for bio until 6pm ):

thn after tht revising th damned english for abt 2hrs

so.. abt 8pm?

thn rest rest abit ;/

by 10pm im going orhorh

i will be good :D

-munch cadbury chocolate-

cant wai for exams to be over

thn can finally slack

but horh still got 2 weeks of sch after eoy

heck la will try to enjoy

until bridging ):

sian siax

its lyk wat, 8-12

thn mastery at 2-5 :/

i sure nid go mastery lorhs if i can pass eoys tht is ):

blahhhhhh

dunlyk this !!

i want to play mabinogi n LaTale !

meet more ppl pei wo go out :3

i think horh studying is lyk stretching rubberband niax

u studystudy for exams, thn after exams u forget everything

juz lyk u strretch th rubberband lykdat

stretchstretchstretch thn once u let go, poing, everything back to normal\

stretch too much = snap = go imh -.-

toopid :@

cant wait for liya to on9 !

so de boredzxc

hais, now got so much problem, cant decide if i shud tok to her or not

so many months hav passed

everything feels abnormal

miss her too

angry once now chilled

but im afraid things will get worse n end up same prob ):

shud i or shud i not?

tht is th qns <-- inside joke

miss die her yet disappointed >:

if she can see this i hope she will text me or gimme a call

n no, im not les -_-

kayy luhs shall go off lerhs

buhhbye (:

;lublub xXiiaoBel-

i dreamt about you and me at 2:45:00 PM.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

hey .
its been a long time since i lasted blogged
i didnt feel lyk blogging at all
tht is
until i was blog-hopping
n thn many other people's posts inspired me
so .

seriously
idk wtf is wrong with me
i mean
i noe im easily confused
but this time round ?
ive got no clue
its lyk
e.g. this week
i went to sch twice
on wed n thurs
cuz mon n tues was tht goddamn post exam activities
n i simply didnt felt lyk going
thn friiday ?
i had cramps
or rather
it was one day before th actual cramps
i skipped
whyye, u may ask .
cuz idw go sch
no mood
dun feel lyk
tired
is this even normal ?
nowadays
all i wanna do
is laze ard at home
stare at screens
blast music
curl up in bed
normally
i'd at most skip one day of sch per week
now its lyk
im basically staying at home for 5days n going to sch for 2days
worst of all ?
i feel no guilt gushing into me
none` non` bo .
ive alr had a few ppl telling me
"ur changing"
"u were not lyk this derhs"
"is sth wrong ?"
"how come u suddenly lyk so diff ?"
see ?.
th thing is
i oso dunnoe how answer all of u
i feel lyk im wasting my life away
turning into one of those
'i dun giv a damn' ppl
i flunked my myes
no feeling
i kena scolded
still no feeling
is retaining in sec3 or dropping out of sch wat i want?
to tell u frankly
im not sure
u noe
it sounds
fcukin tempting to quit sch
get a job
n live my life th way i want
but thn
tht tiny little spring in my head tells me
no
u cant
u wanna be a psychologist dun u ?
ill thn think 'yea'
n my mind goes: thn u gotta hang on. no matter how diffucult
but i cant help it but feel suffocated
everyone else in xms is lyk so damn smart
i used to think tht i was smart
smarter thn most aniwaes
now ?
im not so sure .
im lyk being dragged along by th flow of ppl
doing things at superhuman pace
everyday is a blur
i go to sch
i sit in classes
n daydream
unicorns
rainbows
wings
nectar
isit juz me
or does it apply to some other ppl out thr ?
thn i get to go home
all drained
washed out
lyk a piece of rug toss out into th sun
left to dry after wringing
so wat else can i do besides
eat use com/phone slp
if i can cope,
i wud
but i cant
im drowning
in my own pool of tears
fear
worries
yet
anything happens
n i say ''heck .''
every single moment
im locked in my head
screaming into th four walls
but no one ard me noes it
its lyk a silent rhapsody .
thr r times
when i get so fcukin stressed up
i looked up
stare at th window
gave it a lil push
stares out
n wonders wat will happen if i juz slip out of it
will thr be peace ?
will everything be alrite n fall in place ?
will thr be ppl hu will actually notice tht im missing ?
will i be happy ?
will ppl eventually erase me off their memories ?
will anyone even care ?
shud i or shud i not ?
thn ltr i realise tht i'd end up all bloody n gross
n most lykly
my make up will smudge or sth
meaning i'll die ugleh
thn i pull back
shut tht damned window
curl up under th blanket n try to get some slp
thanks god for my vanity .

right now ?
i juz wanna find some motivation to study n pass my eoy
thn try to hold on to tht minute shred of hope
n vici o lvls
thn get nto some jc or sth
n be able to cope

till then , i shall go pour myself a glass of red wine .
`xBel-

psst: F> ppl help me buy vodka .

i dreamt about you and me at 3:50:00 AM.