so tell me, is this the end?

Sunday, May 23, 2010

hey .
its been a long time since i lasted blogged
i didnt feel lyk blogging at all
tht is
until i was blog-hopping
n thn many other people's posts inspired me
so .

seriously
idk wtf is wrong with me
i mean
i noe im easily confused
but this time round ?
ive got no clue
its lyk
e.g. this week
i went to sch twice
on wed n thurs
cuz mon n tues was tht goddamn post exam activities
n i simply didnt felt lyk going
thn friiday ?
i had cramps
or rather
it was one day before th actual cramps
i skipped
whyye, u may ask .
cuz idw go sch
no mood
dun feel lyk
tired
is this even normal ?
nowadays
all i wanna do
is laze ard at home
stare at screens
blast music
curl up in bed
normally
i'd at most skip one day of sch per week
now its lyk
im basically staying at home for 5days n going to sch for 2days
worst of all ?
i feel no guilt gushing into me
none` non` bo .
ive alr had a few ppl telling me
"ur changing"
"u were not lyk this derhs"
"is sth wrong ?"
"how come u suddenly lyk so diff ?"
see ?.
th thing is
i oso dunnoe how answer all of u
i feel lyk im wasting my life away
turning into one of those
'i dun giv a damn' ppl
i flunked my myes
no feeling
i kena scolded
still no feeling
is retaining in sec3 or dropping out of sch wat i want?
to tell u frankly
im not sure
u noe
it sounds
fcukin tempting to quit sch
get a job
n live my life th way i want
but thn
tht tiny little spring in my head tells me
no
u cant
u wanna be a psychologist dun u ?
ill thn think 'yea'
n my mind goes: thn u gotta hang on. no matter how diffucult
but i cant help it but feel suffocated
everyone else in xms is lyk so damn smart
i used to think tht i was smart
smarter thn most aniwaes
now ?
im not so sure .
im lyk being dragged along by th flow of ppl
doing things at superhuman pace
everyday is a blur
i go to sch
i sit in classes
n daydream
unicorns
rainbows
wings
nectar
isit juz me
or does it apply to some other ppl out thr ?
thn i get to go home
all drained
washed out
lyk a piece of rug toss out into th sun
left to dry after wringing
so wat else can i do besides
eat use com/phone slp
if i can cope,
i wud
but i cant
im drowning
in my own pool of tears
fear
worries
yet
anything happens
n i say ''heck .''
every single moment
im locked in my head
screaming into th four walls
but no one ard me noes it
its lyk a silent rhapsody .
thr r times
when i get so fcukin stressed up
i looked up
stare at th window
gave it a lil push
stares out
n wonders wat will happen if i juz slip out of it
will thr be peace ?
will everything be alrite n fall in place ?
will thr be ppl hu will actually notice tht im missing ?
will i be happy ?
will ppl eventually erase me off their memories ?
will anyone even care ?
shud i or shud i not ?
thn ltr i realise tht i'd end up all bloody n gross
n most lykly
my make up will smudge or sth
meaning i'll die ugleh
thn i pull back
shut tht damned window
curl up under th blanket n try to get some slp
thanks god for my vanity .

right now ?
i juz wanna find some motivation to study n pass my eoy
thn try to hold on to tht minute shred of hope
n vici o lvls
thn get nto some jc or sth
n be able to cope

till then , i shall go pour myself a glass of red wine .
`xBel-

psst: F> ppl help me buy vodka .

i dreamt about you and me at 3:50:00 AM.

this is my world
my fairytale kingdom
whr im th princess
& everyone else are juz
th flowers in th meadows
i giv my orders
followed, they shall be
things goes my way in this realm
of fantasy n mirage
no boundaries shall be crossed
for i am th one hu calls th shots
live in my palace
be my mistresses
or be entitled to eternal slavery
u hav no say when i exist

my existence is a silent rhapsody;
in this insouciant era .

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